Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Query Critique

It's that time again y'all!

This week's query was so nicely done I was hard pressed to find things to pick at. Alas I did find a few things...and then got carried away as usual. But it was very well done! On a little side note, I've been asked by a few people how to enter query letters for critique, and so you will notice a new tab at the top with instructions. Thanks, authors, for participating! It's loads of fun.


Original Query Letter

Dear (Agent),

Eighteen-year-old Sir Caspric Graey wants exactly two things.

First, he wants to do something so heroic that the king will award him an estate of his own.  If he doesn’t acquire his own estate, he’ll have to live—or rather, endure—a life of dependency on his older brother.  Retrieving Contoria's lost prince seems like the perfect opportunity for estate-winning heroism.  That is, until some idiot steals the magical talisman needed to transport the prince home.  All evidence suggests this “someone” is Caspric’s older brother, but if Caspric incriminates him, he’ll be banished for betraying a member of his family.

The second thing Caspric wants is simpler, but just as difficult.  He wants to know who Mera, his family’s newest maidservant, is.  He saw her arrive in the middle of the night on a horse with golden tack, she's shockingly defiant, and she has an uncanny talent for swordplay.  She also happens to be gorgeous, but that, of course, is beside the point.

Unknown to Caspric, the attempts to keep the prince away from Contoria have a lot more than his older brother behind them, and Mera is much, much more than a maidservant.  The danger that sent the prince into exile has come back to haunt not only His Royal Highness, but Caspric and Mera as well.  If Caspric doesn’t figure out all this by the king’s birthday, he will mistakenly incriminate his brother, get himself banished, lose sight of Mera forever, and leave the prince to a horrible fate. 

THE MADMAN’S CROWN is a young adult fantasy novel told from multiple viewpoints.  The first in a potential series, it is complete at 100,000 words.  (Personal connection/why this agent.)  

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

{Contact info redacted}

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws on it

Dear (Agent),

Eighteen-year-old Sir Caspric Graey wants exactly two things.

First, he wants to do something so heroic that the king will award him an estate of his own.  If he doesn’t acquire his own estate, he’ll have to live—or rather, endure—a life of dependency on his older brother.  Retrieving Contoria's lost prince seems like the perfect opportunity for estate-winning heroism.  That is, until some idiot steals the magical talisman needed to transport the prince home.  All evidence suggests this “someone” is Caspric’s older brother, but if Caspric incriminates him, he’ll be banished for betraying a member of his family. This is great! There isn’t a thing I’d change in this para. Intriguing and very, very well written.

The second thing Caspric wants is simpler, but just as difficult.  He wants to know who Mera, his family’s newest maidservant, is.<Feels like there could be a smoother way to word this sentence. A bit bumpy, what with the commas breaking it up  He saw her arrive in the middle of the night on a horse with golden tack, <This is a comma splice. I’d suggest a period here to fix this she's shockingly defiant, and she has an uncanny talent for swordplay.  She also happens to be gorgeous, but that, of course, is beside the point.

Unknown to Caspric, the attempts to keep the prince away from Contoria have a lot more than his older brother behind them, and Mera is much, much more than a maidservant. Sounds like a great plot! The danger that sent the prince into exile has come back to haunt not only His Royal Highness, but Caspric and Mera as well.  If Caspric doesn’t figure out <I get to be REALLY picky on you because this query is so well done to begin with. Can you use a stronger verb in place of ‘figure out’? Might make the stakes sound more exciting. How about ‘if Caspric can’t unravel the mystery by…’ Or something like that, anyway all this by the king’s birthday, he will mistakenly incriminate his brother, get himself banished, lose sight of Mera forever, and leave the prince to a horrible fate. <There’s something not quite right with the stakes here. The way this is worded makes it sound like this is exactly what happens in the book instead of what might happen. Also, the wording isn’t quite as exciting as it needs to be, making it fall a little flat. I suggest changing out the wording ‘he will mistakenly…’ to something like ‘he could mistakenly…’. Also, I’d like to see the last stake, ‘leave the prince to a horrible fate’, worded in such a way that it has more impact. It has so much potential but the word choices don’t really do it justice.

THE MADMAN’S CROWN is a young adult fantasy novel told from multiple viewpoints.  The first in a potential series, it is complete at 100,000 words.  (Personal connection/why this agent.)  This is great! I love that this book is told in multiple POVs, yet the author didn’t muddy the query by trying to fit in everyone’s perspective. Though she did such a great job handling this, I was asked for advice on how to write a query letter for a book with multiple POVs, so I give you all this link to a post on Query Shark. This query is an excellent example of how to handle this situation.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

{Contact info redacted}


7 comments:

  1. The plot sounds very interesting, however, there are a few clunky parts to the query, as well as areas in need of further detail, IMO.

    I'm confused about what's going on with the Prince. First you say he's lost, and a magical talisman is needed to bring him back. Then you say he's in exile, hiding from a danger. Is he lost or in exile? The term exile usually means banishment, and implies that the person was forced away. If this is not the case, I'd clarify by saying "self-imposed exile".

    At the end of the first para, I'd simply say "or he'll be banished for treason", rather than "he'll be banished for betraying a member of his own family."

    Why does Caspric have to figure all this out by the King's birthday? You've never mentioned why this is the deadline, and so it seems arbitrary and confusing in the query.

    Overall,I think this is quite well-done. I'd read this book.

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  2. This query letter is in pretty good shape, so I only have a few little things to add.

    Who is Contoria? I would add a title before her name when you first mention her, as I had to read the opening a second time to understand what was going on. For instance, "Retrieving the Princess Contoria's lost price seems like a perfect opportunity."

    I have to say, the name Contoria is a little unfortunate. Say it out loud and you may see why.

    I think the first line of the third para would sound better as two sentences.

    That's all I have to add. Good luck with querying!

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  3. Thanks for the input, Brandy and Jamie! Good point Brandy about the lost-exile inconsistency.

    Jamie--I totally never noticed the, er, unfortunate name. Perhaps you just have a very dirty mind? lol

    I'd thought Contoria was a country though and not a name? Maybe I was wrong. In any case, it's a good point!

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  4. That may be the case, but I'd be willing to bet there's a reader or two out there who will notice the name as well--we are talking about teens here! Lol

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  5. Haha okay that gives me a few things to think about. Thank you very much, Michelle! And thank you commentors for your suggestions!

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  6. What a great looking query. I'm definitely intrigued about the plot. Just a few pauses, two of which have already been mentioned so I won't cover them again.
    The opening sentence just doesn't do it for me, I'm afraid. Maybe it's the word 'want' and the fact that his 'want' isn't qualified until the next paragraph. It turns me off the character because he sounds petulant and selfish. And 'things' is one of those words that means everything but says nothing.
    'Eighteen-year-old Sir Caspric Graey has decided heroism and knowledge will fix his self-proclaimed tragic existence/life of dependency.'
    'Eighteen-year-old Sir Caspric Graey has pinned his hopes on knightly valour and the secrets of a captivating maid to transform his frustrating existence.'
    My suggestions are pretty pants, but I'm trying to suggest that the sentence might be stronger if you name or hint at the 'things' and 'wants'. Then again, maybe not. :-)
    Good luck :-)

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  7. No problem, Susan.

    And thanks, Amaleen! Great suggestions

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