Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Query Letter Critique


Apologies in advance to any readers who aren’t into numerous query critiques in the span of two week’s time, but I love them, and there are just so many! Plus, who’d want to have to wait weeks upon weeks for a query critique? I know I wouldn’t. So here’s another, which means just one more in the trusty old inbox (The recipe query, round 2, if you care to know. Fun!)

Original Query Letter

Attn. Ms. (Agent):

Martin Dufresne didn’t believe in demons until his girlfriend Sam tried to sacrifice him to one. But when Sam dies after opening an inter-dimensional portal, Martin winds up saddled with an irreverent, centuries-old imp named Abe. Luckily for Martin, Abe draws the line at eating humans. Dogs, on the other hand …

With no way of sending Abe back to his own dimension, Martin struggles to control the voracious little fiend while Abe—who claims to be invisible to most humans—sets out to enjoy his unexpected break from the demonic grind. On any given day, hiding Abe from the residents of San Sebastian would be stressful enough, but with the annual Founder’s Day festival fast approaching, Martin is one masticated mutt away from losing it.

To make matters worse, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter start investigating Sam’s unusual demise. As the unlikely trio closes in on the truth, a local religious zealot puts into motion his secret plan to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end. By the time everyone’s paths converge, Martin and Abe will learn that demons and dynamite do not mix.

THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy. Though I worked as a reporter for two years, I have never attempted to raise a demon. Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Attn. Ms. (Agent):

Martin Dufresne didn’t believe in demons until his girlfriend Sam tried to sacrifice him to one. The switch from past tense to present tense threw me here. I’d stick to present tense, as it’s preferred for queries. On another note, your opening line is good but could be stronger. I think it could pack more punch if you broke it up a bit. Say, for example, ‘Martin Dufresne doesn’t believe in demons. That is, until his girlfriend tries to sacrifice him to one’. Notice I cut out the girlfriend’s name? I don’t think you need it, especially since you mention two other characters by name. Makes for a confusing query, imo. But feel free to disagree, as always! But when Sam dies after opening an inter-dimensional portal, Martin winds up saddled with an irreverent, centuries-old imp named Abe. Luckily for Martin, Abe draws the line at eating humans. Dogs, on the other hand …

With no way of sending Abe back to his own dimension, Martin struggles to control the voracious little fiend while Abe—who claims to be invisible to most humans—sets out to enjoy his unexpected break from the demonic grind. On any given day, hiding Abe from the residents of San Sebastian would be stressful enough, but with the annual Founder’s Day festival fast approaching, Martin is one masticated mutt away from losing it. I’m not sure it’s clear why the Founder’s Day festival is important here. Is it because the town is full of tourists or something? If so, I think it wouldn’t hurt to mention that.

To make matters worse, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter start investigating Sam’s unusual demise. As the unlikely trio closes in on the truth, a local religious zealot puts into motion his secret plan to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end. By the time everyone’s paths converge, Martin and Abe will learn that demons and dynamite do not mix. Now seems like a good time to mention that the author told me this book is told from multiple points of view. Others may totally disagree, but to me not knowing that (and perhaps even knowing that), this paragraph seems a bit confusing, in that there is so much happening that digresses from the main character. I mentioned in an older query critique this link to a query letter featured on Query Shark, which The Shark cites should be the template for all books told from multiple POVs. I agree. In fact, I have an idea: stop the query letter after the second paragraph, add in a sentence or two about the stakes, which I always think should be clearly laid out at the end of a query for maximum effect (What does Martin need to do, and what does he risk if he fails?), then something like ‘THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy as seen from six (or whatever) points of view: Martin, Abe, two skeptical cops and a half-baked reporter investigating Sam’s unusual death, and the religious zealot who wants to bring Founder’s Day to an explosive end.

THE RELUCTANT DEMON is a 112,000-word urban fantasy. Though I worked as a reporter for two years, I have never attempted to raise a demon. Cute! Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

So even though I’ve, once again, plastered this query in blue, it is, once again, not a reflection on how good the query is. It’s not bad at all, but I do think it could benefit from a few changes here and there to take it to the next level.

Thanks, author, for letting me have a look at this. Very kind (and brave!) of you.

Curious to see what others have to say! 




18 comments:

  1. Inclined to agree with Michelle here. It needs to be pulled back a bit in the third para, but also spiced up in terms of the writing style (Aren't I helpful).

    It's not bad though, so good luck

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  2. Hi Michelle, I totally agree with you on your points. I think the tenses need to be in either present or past tense (pick one!), and that like Aaron, I think the writing could be given more of a pull. I want to care for Martin - right now he feels a bit cardboard to me. Best of luck with this, Author!! :)

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    1. Awesome advice, Rachel! That's a really good point you made about the reader's connection with Martin.

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  3. Michelle, the way you suggest handling the multiple POV's is pure brilliance. I would also like to see the stakes included, because at the moment it sounds very comedic and not a lot else. Though, I love the idea of an escaped demon living it up in San Sebastian.:-)

    Good luck with the edits and querying mystery author.

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  4. Ron (the author) here ... ! Thanks everyone for your comments. The multiple POV idea is awesome, and should solve a huge problem I've always had with condensing the story into the query. I see what everyone is saying about increasing Martin's likability and the stakes. The basic idea is, Martin sees Sam cheating on him, but before he can muster the courage to dump her, she tries to sacrifice him to a demon. That obviously backfires, and now he's stuck with a demon. The story takes place over several days, so it moves at a fairly fast clip. It is definitely (hopefully!) comedic. Essentially it's Martin learning how deal with a demon, while unbeknownst to him and everyone else there's a religious zealot who plans on blowing up the licentious (think Mardi Gras on a small-town scale) Founder's Day festivities. All the plot lines/characters converge on the bombing.

    So, any other suggestions?!

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    Replies
    1. To be honest, Ron, your story sounds much more fascinating the way you just described it now. It has more personality. I'd suggest trying to infuse some of that personality and 'voice' into your query letter. Also, you mention that there is comedy in this book, but I'm actually surprised to hear that. I would suggest showing this through your writing, which would help the voice issue as well, and I might ever consider mentioning this in the genre(something like 'humorous urban fantasy', or 'urban fantasy with comedic elements'), but that could be up for debate.

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    2. (Ron again.) I originally included "humorous" in the book description, but it seems to be a point of contention for some people who've read different versions of the letter. I agree that the voice of the letter should convey the humor in the novel, but I don't know that it's altogether wrong to label it as humorous fantasy. (If you've ever read Christopher Moore's stuff, that's the sort of thing I'm going for.) To be honest, I don't even know if this qualifies as "urban" fantasy!

      Either way, I will definitely try to infuse the letter with a more humorous tone. My god, query letters are painful!

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    3. I have to agree with Michelle here-the book sounds so much more fun the way you've just described it! It sounds hilarious, actually.

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  5. Excellent points, Michelle. The various voices need to be mentioned as do the actual stakes. Why are Martin and Abe concerned with the religious zealot and what are their motives for stopping the explosion?

    Although, I must say, I am quite intrigued by the premise of the story and hopefully will get to see it on shelves soonish!

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    1. To answer your question about Martin and Abe and the explosion, it really is a case of everyone (Martin, Abe, the cops, the reporter, plus two old warlocks who get drawn into things - yes, there's a magic fight!) converging on the park where the bomber is preparing to blow himself up. Essentially everyone is in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the s*&% hits the proverbial fan. -- Ron

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    2. I really wanted to include the bit about the old warlocks, but even mentioning just one of them in my query and/or synopsis meant I'd have to bring in a whole slew of other plot lines just to explain their roles ... Sadly, sacrifices had to be made. And I guess technically they fall under the secondary story, which in theory doesn't need to be part of the query or synopsis. Especially since every agent on my to-query list wants a 2-pg or less synopsis. Too bad.

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  6. Great advice, Michelle. I love your query critiques.

    I also like Rachel's suggestion that the writing be given more of a pull. To me there was less of an issue with the plot than with the lack of excitement conveyed in the writing. Spice it up! There's potential in this one, for sure. Good luck, author.

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    1. Thanks, Naomi! So glad to hear it.

      And I thank you for your suggestion on behalf of the author!

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  7. Thanks everyone for your comments. I think I've got a fairly decent new version now. Hopefully it's got enough voice to it!

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