Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Query Letter Critique


It’s that time again!

Original Query Letter

Dear Agent

The only world that sixteen year-old Isadora Priess knows is her Mistress's tower. A decade ago, she was brought to live there for her own protection. Isadora suffers from vivid nightmares that only Mistress is able to cure, via "Removals" that strip away her dreams.

After everything that Mistress has given her, the one thing Isadora fears more than her nightmares is losing Mistress's trust.

Then Taylor, Mistress's brilliant protégé and Isadora's best - and only - friend, returns from University determined to show Isadora the city beyond the tower. Their trip outside, and the friends that Taylor introduces her to, catalyzes a stream of questions about her life in the tower. Questions that Isadora never wanted to have. When her nightmares recur, Isadora's search for answers becomes all the more urgent.

For the first time, she doubts Mistress's intentions. As the carefully constructed web of deceit starts to unravel, and she begins to understand the true nature of her dreams, Isadora must decide if she will continue to submit herself to the Removals, or join with Taylor's rebellious group of friends.

Isadora has a third option, but it's the most frightening to consider: using her mysterious talents to forge her own path to freedom.

CASSANDRA'S DAUGHTER is a young-adult science fiction novel, complete at 72,000 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

(Name and contact info redacted)

Query Letter After I Got My Grubby Paws On It

Dear Agent

The only world that sixteen year-old <There should be hyphens between all of those words. As in ‘sixteen-year-old’. And let the nitpicking begin! Isadora Priess knows is her Mistress's tower. <Feels like something is missing from this sentence. Suggestion: ‘The only world that sixteen-year-old Isadora Priess knows is the one inside her Mistress’s tower’. A decade ago, she was brought to live there for her own protection. Isadora suffers from vivid nightmares that only Mistress is able to cure, via "Removals" that strip away her dreams. This is interesting, but I’m not sure all the pieces are fitting together for me. I get that the Mistress is helping her with the vivid nightmares, but why does she need protection, and why does this help mean she can’t leave the castle?

After everything that Mistress has given her, the one thing Isadora fears more than her nightmares is losing Mistress's trust. I don’t think you need this bit. The reveal later in the query, where Isadora doubts the Mistress’s intentions, would be more exciting, in my opinion, without the foreshadowing.

Then Taylor, Mistress's brilliant protégé and Isadora's best - and only - friend, returns from University determined to show Isadora the city beyond the tower. Their trip outside, and the friends that Taylor introduces her to, catalyzes a stream of questions about her life in the tower. Questions that Isadora never wanted to have. When her nightmares recur, Isadora's search for answers becomes all the more urgent. This paragraph is really good. Super intriguing!

For the first time, she doubts Mistress's intentions. As the carefully constructed web of deceit starts to unravel, and she begins to understand the true nature of her dreams, Isadora must decide if she will continue to submit herself to the Removals, or join with Taylor's rebellious group of friends. This. Is. Awesome!

Isadora has a third option, but it's the most frightening to consider: using her mysterious talents to forge her own path to freedom. Yup.

CASSANDRA'S DAUGHTER is a young-adult science fiction novel, complete at 72,000 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.
(Name and contact info redacted)

Aside from a few bumpy areas near the beginning that could use ironing out, this is a very good query letter. The plot is so unique and fun and intriguing. I’d buy this. Even more so if the cover were pretty and had bright colors and sparkles. I’m mature like that.

Awesome job, author! Thanks for sending this along. 

And everyone don’t forget to enter my contest, in which I’m giving away a free copy of Insurgent, Cinder, and Under The Never Sky! See the post below this one for full details. 




17 comments:

  1. This is a pretty good query. It's a retelling of Rapunzel, right? I'd like to see the sci-fi angle played up a little more. I'm assuming it's something to do with the Removals, but the mention of the genre as sci-fi at the end there came as a surprise to me, to be honest. It was reading as fantasy-ish to me. (Maybe it's just me!)

    Good luck, author : )

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    1. I also noticed the Rapunzel thing. Pretty cool idea, if that's actually the case. :)

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    2. The Sci-fi genre also surprised me.

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  2. I didn't catch that Rapunzel thing, Ruth. You so smrt.

    And good point about the sci-fi genre. Now that you mention it I would like to see that angle expanded upon.

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  3. This is a really good query! Tidy up that beginning and you're set.

    Good luck!

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  5. The Sci-Fi element came as a surprise, so perhaps more hints could be added into the query. :-)
    Great sounding query. I'm hooked.

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    1. If that's all Amaleen has to say about your query, you know it's good :P

      Thanks for the input, Amaleen!

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  6. Great query. I just have a few points to add. I find that there are too many uses of the word "mistress" in the beginning. It trips me up. Also, the whole first half of the query has me picturing the setting as fantasy or medieval (towers and removals, etc), and then I read that a character has just returned from University, which makes me picture contemporary. This gave me pause, as it had me confused as to what type of setting and time period this book actually has.

    Other than that, sounds great. Good luck querying!

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    1. Yeah that University thing stuck out to me too but I just went with it :D It's a good point though, Brandy! Thanks for the input!

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  7. Sounds fun!

    There is one thing that I'd consider changing. When you list that Isadora has a third option to escape (using her powers), it comes across like an after thought, in my opinion. It reads almost like, "oh yeah, she's also got powers, and can use that to escape." I'd make mention of her mysterious powers earlier on, and then attach this third option into the hook line.

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  8. Hey everyone - writer of this query here!
    Thank you so much everyone for your input! And especially thanks to Michelle for posting it!
    I've heard from a number of people I've shown my story to that it reminds them of Rapunzel, so I'm going to try to incorporate that into my query (that it's "loosely based" on the fairy tale). Is that a stupid thing to do?
    Also, as far as the sci-fi thing... this has really opened my eyes to the fact that my story isn't sci-fi, at all. Is "futuristic fantasy" a genre? "Dystopian fantasy"? I'm really hesitant to use the word "dystopian," though...
    Thanks again!

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  9. Hey! Just stopping in to let you know you've been awarded the kreativ blogger award:)

    --Katie
    http://thefictiondiaries.blogspot.com/2012/05/kreativ-blogger-award.html

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